Life didn't turn out to be what I wanted to be for me.

I didn't graduate high school, in fact, I got held back. It was my dream three years ago to graduate. I wanted to be a chemist. But, it looks like it's not going to happen.

I have to repeat my senior year again.

I hate school. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Why didn't I join the Army when I turned 17? Why couldn't I drop out of school...oh right, the fucking school makes it hard for me to drop out of school.

I think about going to the school board, and hopefully listen to my speech about individual rights and that they should treat me like an adult. I'll use emotional persuasive technique.

Then I'll join the army.

But..what if I don't make it? What if I don't make it to the Army? What if I can't pass the weight and height requirements?

Or even the body fat requirements?

I can't run two miles..I can only run one mile in 12 minutes.

I've been considering becoming a porn star lately. I've seen porn last summer when I was 17.

And they do make loads of money...hundreds of dollars per scene...I typed on Google: I want to be a porn star. A youtube video comes up. I click on it. It was about this porn star named Sasha Grey on the Tyra Banks show. I desperately want to be like her. She seems so intellegent and philophisical. She always have something to say. She never ignores silences in interviews. I look up to her. I want to be a porn actress.

I need breast implants and laser treatments for my skin.

And becoming a porn stars shows fame...men worship you and girls are jealous.

I'll never be poor again. I'll give about two thousand to my parents and then I'll keep the rest for myself.

I need to lose my virginity, schedule a dermatologist appointment, and go shopping. It's been awhile since I've bought something! I've been thinking about buying a plane ticket to Los Angeles then a Greyhound ticket to San Fernando Valley (aka Porn Capital of the U.S.). Then I'll start my porn career.

All this month, I've felt so disillusioned and never happy. Just numb and deeply unhappy. It's the worst feeling in the world. It's not even depression. I jsut feel so numb and against the world.